Things don't always come out quite as you expect.

The Ones Providing The Loving.

Sunday 31 January 2010

~Dreams~

Do you ever wonder if your dreams mean something?

When I was little I used to read one of my mum's books constantly. It was just about what different things in your dreams meant - if you were being chased or if you found something, whatever.
But as I've got older there have been things in my dreams that play out similarly in my life.

One night I woke up terrified because there had been nothing in my dream except darkness and confusion and I was alone - the next day my grandfather died. My Nan later told me that without him she felt alone, like she was trapped in a pitch black box and no-one could find her. She'd just decribed a dream I hadn't told anyone about.

And last night I saw my mother in tears holding a blue book in her hands. When she was out I went into her room and found the key to my (occasional) diary on her bedside cabinet. My diary is blue. She hadn't found it but I knew she'd been in my room.

Does that ever happen to you?

Monday 25 January 2010

#I'm just scared...

Quite honestly, I had one of the most terrifying experiencs of my life during this past week. And it wasn't even anything exciting like nearly getting run over or falling off a cliff or something. Basically, I was talking to someone about my future and instead of asking me pretty typical questions like what I wanted to do with my life, they pretty much pyscho-analysed me. For anyone else, that might seem kind of intriguing - how do you appear to the people around you? For me, I would rather be killed a thousand times over than have to sit and listen while someone described how they saw me and what they thought I was actually like. The worst part was, this person could see through all the layers I'd tried to build up over the years and told me things about myself that I'd forgotten or had never been able to reveal to anyone else. And what scared the crap out of me was that I realised then that I had hidden myself so deeply inside that I didn't know who I was anymore. I'd locked everything that had made me 'me' away for so long that I couldn't see it anymore. And it's been so long since I've been able to open up comfortably with anybody, I don't know how to do it. I physically find it impossible to talk to anyone about the real me. The only times I feel truly able to talk are when I'm writing - poems, prose, or just when I write to remind myself how I felt. And I don't want to live like that but it's been so long that I don't know any better.

Saturday 23 January 2010

~Human nature~

Alrighty, so I'm pretty useless at doing more than one thing at a time which is why I have verryyy little blogging material to actually show for myself. BUT it is now a Saturday night therefore I can type to my heart's content without waking up in the morning thinking "Shit, I've only had two hours sleep."
So this week I've kinda been thinking about human nature and what makes us the way we are - I mean, why we're so different from the animals that surround us. I'm an atheist so don't tell me God made us like this because, personally, I couldn't give a crap.
So, in my view anyway, we were all once part of nature - whether we were monkeys or frogs, who knows for sure? But anyway, what I'm trying to say is this: how can we have adapted and evolved so much that it is now a part of human nature to want to destroy? To be honest, this all came after watching Avatar last weekend (if you haven't watched it yet do it now. it's amazing. and yes I know I sound like a mega-geek but screw you.). It suddenly struck me how violent humans are as a whole.
And I mean, yeah, we could get into the whole "Animals kill things too. It's all part of life bla bla bla..." discussion but animals don't go around ripping up forests and flattening out land to make way for houses or cutting down trees just so DFS can make more furniture.
I really am useless at explaining but what I'm trying to make a point of is that we've ended up on the opposite side of where we started - we've turned against what actually brought us into being in the first place. By constantly changing and finding new ways to power this and new things to make that with we are obliterating our own roots.
But the most annoying thing for me is that it's never going to stop because, let's face it, given the option would you rather be around now with mobiles and internet or back in earlier times when everyone was content with what they had.
Or maybe that is the problem with humans - we are never content, we are always strivng to become better. Is it a problem? I don't know. I've managed to confuse myself now. Help?

Tuesday 19 January 2010

~Social taboos~

I couldn't sleep the other night and it's in the calm dark night that I often have my 'deep thinking' sessions. This particular night I found myself remembering a tv programme my mum had made me watch at some point last year.
It was about self harm. And as soon as I remembered it I thought "Oh my god, self harm!" This set me thinking. Why is it that as a society we decide that something is so horrible or disgusting that we refuse to talk about it and even thinking about it causes an immediate reaction? And then again in a drama lesson at school, self harm came up as an idea in an unscripted piece we were doing and practically straight away everyone looked uncomfortable and tried to change the subject.
It's only when you're having serious conversations late at night that issues like that are mentioned, and even then, at the most open time of the day, it's still a very hush hush topic. Is it just because the majority of people don't, and don't want to, understand what it is that makes people do things like self harm, or suicide? Or is it that nobody wants to admit that at some point in their lives they may have considered it? Or something else?
The same goes for eating disorders - nobody ever wants to bring it up or talk about it, why not? Why are we so scared to discuss something that everyone should be aware of? And sexuality is still quite iffy - not many people want to admit it, but they're just as freaked out now by the thought of homosexuality as people were fifty years ago.
And I think somehow we need to change that so future generations don't grow up thinking that certain aspects of life can never be talked about in polite company. I thought I grew up like that but now I'm older I realise there was so much my parents never told me about, and still they find it difficult to talk to me about things like suicide and self harm - I don't know about you but I don't think that's right at all.
What do you think?
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