~Hoarding~

So I just spent the majority of this week clearing out my bedroom. Not just tidying it, moving all the crap into the new extension. I can't say I wasn't happy that I was getting a bigger room and I had the chance to decorate it all by myself ie. I could have whatever I wanted in it furniture and decorationwise as long as it was cheap enough :p But when I was faced with the task of emptying my old room... it was a bit daunting.

I'm a hoarder, I'll admit it. I keep things that I might use again or that I might play with. Now came the time to get rid of all of that. My mum was supposedly helping me but needless to say she just ended up being really irritating, for a number of reasons. Although actually, she did help, I just couldn't see that at the time :p

So anyway, there's this one cupboard in my room that hardly ever gets opened because it's just filled with junk and I did keep postponing until eventually it was the only thing left to empty. So yesterday afternoon I sat down to sort through years of forgotten presents and projects. I was already kinda angry at my mum so I was taking out the more indestructible items first and just chucking them behind me. That just led to me and my mum having another argument where I ended up telling her that half of it was probably broken anyway to which she replied "Why the hell have you still got it then?" "...I don't know."

Today I'm off to work for a week in my uncle's pub in Worcester and I am absolutely sheeiting myself. Last night I was trying to work out why the hell I'm so scared - it's an opportunity to work, get money, that's good right? And I realised, I kept that stuff because I didn't want to let go. Getting rid of it meant I was finally growing up and I think everyone wants to stay a child forever - it's simple and you still have so much freedom in what you want to do. This new bedroom means a step into a more grown up life, even if act immature :p And it's the same with this coming week - I'm earning money for myself and losing some of the dependency I have on my parents - I'm growing up.

And it's making me realise that after this summer, everything changes.

#It made me smile :)

"...It's all wrong.
By rights we shouldn't even be here.
But we are.
It's like in the great stories. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why..."


<3

#The "Cure".

Scarlet flash across aqua stripe

Offset by porcelain skin -

All it takes is a silver swipe

To break through the canvas stretched thin.

Emotion and secret are laid out to bear

In a code of insufferable pain.

Alone and feeling unable to share

It pours out in crystal salt rain.

There is no prevention, no permanent cure

For the dark cloud that seeps through the mind

Until we begin to remove the obscure -

To listen, and see what we find.

~Pressure~

So at the moment everyone's stessing about revision and exams and what to do with the rest of their lives and there's just so much pressure to do the right thing. You know:

high grades = good thing
passed exams = good thing
loads of revision = good thing
do well at uni = good thing
get a good job = good thing
have a family = good thing

And it's like everyone is constantly under all this pressure to have this perfect life where it's all good things and any bad decision is, like, worthy of eternal damnation or something. It basically made me wonder about how we'd ever get through all the pressure without people beside us step by step - friends or whatever, you need someone with you that you can relate to.

And with all this pressure, I don't want to disappoint my parents, especially my dad. However much he lets me down at weekends or doesn't turn up for things, he's still my dad and I love him no matter what. I'm not gonna lie - he is effin intelligent, like a proper maths genius and sometimes it feels like I need to be as good as him to kind of uphold his reputation.
He was always clever so he was pushed into doing things even before the Scottish equivalent of GCSE's. At Uni as well, he was signed up for extra subjects and throughout his whole life he'd always done well at it all. But my dad's an introvert: he didn't socialise that much and had barely any good friends. After all the pressure from how well he was expected to do, in his final year of uni he stopped trying. Kind of like an "Eff you." moment. In just one year he went from getting a First to a 2;2.

I don't want to let down my dad by doing the same thing - giving up because I can't take the pressure anymore. So I have to do well for my dad. Simple as.

It's that kind of pressure that makes life such a struggle sometimes. I guess all we can really do is give it all we got and then even if it doesn't end up as great as we wanted or planned, at least we know that we tried our best. I think though, that the most important thing when you're under pressure is to find some way of getting away from it all. Preferably with company: being able to joke about all the stress and know that there's someone going through it with you can make it a whole lot more bearable.



*apologies for all the above cheesiness*

~Judgement.~

The judging looks and hidden smiles

As I walk down a path stretched miles

By the humiliation I always feel -

My identity I attempt to conceal.

Once, I was there, in that other group’s place,

Trying to hide the growing grin on my face

As a girl in a kilt, with a blazer to match,

Had the courage to walk through our prided patch.

All I saw then was smugness and a look of disgust

When she strutted past us like we were part of the dust.

But now I know how that girl must have felt

Outcast, embarrassed, by the judgement we dealt.

More than anything I long to utter the words-

To turn, and say “Sorry, but haven’t you heard?

“I’m not rich, I’m not posh, I live right round there

“And, this might be shocking, but it’s not all that rare

“For someone like me to have been someone like you

“Free, independent, always speaking the truth.

“Just because I wear this and go to school here

“Doesn’t mean I meet up to go hunting each year,

“Or drink champagne in buckets and eat caviar for tea -

“All it means is my stupid gay school has a fee.

“I’m no different to you, and I don’t think I’m better -

“For Christ’s sake we even have identical sweaters!”

But I can’t and you think

That I look like a prick

So as I walk past I must gather my pride

And hold my head high as I strut past your side.

#Yeah, that would be nice :)

I may have been expecting it but I still didn't know I was going to say yes until you asked.

And now...

Yes.
If I can trust my memory spending an evening with you will be nice indeed. :)

~Fight~

"You know what makes us so British? Spunk, spirit and tea." :)

Spunk perhaps not so relevant but no matter who you are, everyone has a natural fighting spirit. *The tea of course comes once the fight is settled and everyone needs to relax in front of the old telly box.*
Even if you're a pacifist you need something to keep you going when you're spurned for not being patriotic or mocked for being a 'wuss'. There's a fire inside all of us that gets us through the hard days, the mind-numbingly boring weeks and the troubling hours. Fair enough, it's closer to the surface in some but even it's buried beneath layers of emotion or defences it's still there to keep us strong and to stop us giving up.

When you look back at your life there will always be decision you regret making. But giving up is one mistake we don't always have to repeat. Of course there are times when letting things go is hard but necessary but sometimes it just takes that one last, exhausting, final push and you can end up in a much better situation.

Don't give up: listen to that fight within you and keep going until you know there's nothing else you can do. Even if it doesn't work you'll know you did all you could.

:) x