Do you know what this feels like? Trying so hard, so fucking hard, and at the end of it all all you achieve is little more than average.

It makes people believe you don't care.

It makes you wonder what the point is.  Why spend so much effort trying when it doesn't make a difference in the end?

I miss this.

I...don't think... I belong anymore.

I don't know what I want anymore.
All I see inside is black and empty and ... nothing.

You wanna know a secret?
Sometimes I get really fucking sick of being treated as the stupid infantile one. And I get so fucking angry and then - I don't do anything and it disgusts me that I can't tell people to leave me the fuck alone once in a while.

Just, try to understand that I know a lot more than you expect me to.

The Seed

So, three months ago I had no idea if I would actually enjoy performing, or if I just liked the idea.
Now it's all I can think about.
But... I don't know what to do with it.
And it feels like I've been given this seed to plant and nurture and help grow into something amazing - but I'm pouring weed killer on it instead of water.

So it's 2011.

Big change?  New start?

Why is it that at the beginning of every year we set ourselves up for disappointment by promising that this year will be better than the last.  We cannot control everything that happens around us and there will always be something that makes this year one of the following: crappy, shit, awful, the worst year of my life. 

So this is a fresh start - it's a fresh year that I won't compare to 2010. At all.  New beginnings and all that shidazzle.  Not a new me, not a big lifechange, just another year to ride out and see where it takes us.

One thing does need to change though because my typing skills are appalling.

Welcome to 2011 guys :) Good luck.
<3